It’s been such an interesting time for us recently and to say that I’m changing my perspective almost seems like an understatement. Things have changed dramatically since I reached a turning point nearly 9 weeks ago. April 2nd I was feeling horrendously low. I was in so much pain walking, and just not wanting to leave the house. It was getting worse. Have you ever treated your body so badly that you literally get that feeling, ‘I’m going to die if I don’t change something soon’. I had got to a point where I didn’t see a way out. I didn’t feel like anything was ever going to change. That we’d got to the point that I was going to be one of those people who just live in their bed and their husbands bring them food, and they start to become the bed as they are so huge and then magazines come and write articles about them. I wanted to die.
Looking at all the things around me that I have going for me, my amazing husband, our beautiful children, I’m talented in a lot of areas, maybe a jack of all trades and a master of none, but there are many things that I could turn my hand to and do well. There’s something horrendously wrong when my eating habits, weight issues, anxiety and depression are bringing me to the point of suicide. I told James how I was feeling and said ‘we HAVE to go to church tomorrow’. I was desperate. Something needed to change, and I didn’t know where else to turn.
I’ve grown up in a christian family, I’ve always known Jesus, but over the previous 6 months I had got myself to a point where I was so low I was shutting out everyone and everything. Cancelling everything in my diary, not wanting to see people because I was so aware of how much weight I’d put on. I could barely walk at times due to my weight and declining health. I was being tested for everything under the sun, cameras down throats, cameras needing to go in my tummy, ultrasounds, smears, blood tests, my body was telling me that something was wrong and the doctors were trying to figure out what it was. Every test turned up nothing. Constant vomiting, blood appearing in lots of places that it shouldn’t meant that they kept testing me but they weren’t finding anything. Anxiety was not doing so well at this point either. I just didn’t want to be around people, I felt a fraud around the children, I was avoiding the older ones as I felt they could see through me. It was just an awful time, and it was getting worse.
James heard my cry and agreed we’d go to church the next day. We went somewhere new, I didn’t want to see anyone that knew me, I’d closed them out. I also didn’t want everyone gossiping about how much weight I’d put on. So, we decided to try a new church in Manchester. There was a visiting preacher that week who was a comedian. He was really funny, but he also chatted about how he tended to be really introverted with his thoughts and get so caught up in his thinking he’d destroy an idea before it even had a chance, he was describing how I felt. He talked about how he would tell himself ‘I need to be changing my perspective‘. To have listened to this guy chat about life and be so funny, to then hear how down he could get if he left his mind to it’s own devices. I just really related and felt a freedom for how I had been feeling and that I wasn’t so abnormal.
Something had to change
I realised that something needed to change dramatically but I didn’t know how to do it. I just pretty much cried through most of his preach and most of the singing. They did an alter call at the end if anyone wanted to become a christian. This wasn’t me. I knew Jesus, I’d grown up loving Him. Then they asked if anyone felt distant from God. I knew, I knew I had to put my hand up. Some people came over and brought me a little pack, with a Bible in and invited us to chat to them at the end in the coffee area. I chatted to a lovely lady who I think didn’t know how to deal with me. Seeing a lady with four children telling her they’d got to the point of suicide the night before. She could sense my desperation, and see how tragic it was with all these beautiful faces around me. This lovely lady, her name was Janet, just prayed for me. I cried some more and we went home.
Something changed in me that day. That week, I attended a meeting in someone’s home that I’d never met before. They invited us all as a family as we couldn’t get a babysitter. I also took myself off to my Mum’s one of the days that week. This was just absolutely unheard of and James didn’t know what was going on. I can’t say that everything is magically better, but bit by bit, step by step I’m getting stronger all the time. I attended a party this week to celebrate my Mum’s friends sixtieth (which I blogged about here) with people who’ve known me for years, this is something I doubted I would be able to do again, unless I somehow miraculously lost all my weight. But because I’d been changing my perspective I just didn’t care anymore what people thought of me. I realised that people can think whatever they like, they always will anyway. I can’t let it stop me living my life. This had definitely been a huge part of the anxiety for me.
Epic journey ahead
I have a MASSIVE amount of weight to lose. So much weight that a brand want to work with me, and if we collaborate together they want to get my story into the press. I’ve decided not to shy away from this. I don’t know if it will happen, I don’t know what people will think when they read the article. I know there will be negative comments, but I’ve determined not to let this be something that stops me encouraging other people that it’s never too late to change, to make a difference. Changing my perspective has saved my life. Looking outside of myself, and for me personally, looking to Jesus when I’m feeling low is getting me through. The difference in who I am now is gigantic. My husband can’t believe the difference. It’s been two months and I’m living a completely different lifestyle.
Is everything magically better? Is it heck. I still have about two people’s worth of weight to lose, my home is still messy, it will take me time to sort it all out while doing all the other things that I need to do in a day, looking after two toddlers, preparing meals for my family, cleaning up after preparing the meals, getting back on top of my blog as I have deadlines and contracts to live up to (more about that to come soon). I read the Marie Kondo book ‘The Life-changing magic of tidying‘ last week and we’re working our way through the decluttering stage. I’ll write more about that sometime in the near future also. Nothing happens overnight, but I’m changing my perspective and slowly I’m getting there. I’m feeling excited for the future and I hope that this general blurt about where I’m up to at the moment can encourage somebody else.
There are so many people in this world with real, life-altering problems, and I don’t want to be someone who destroys their own life with their negative mind when I am so blessed to have my health, and my family. When you’re feeling down choose to look above your circumstances. Focus on other things. You’ll soon realise how insignificant the thoughts that captivated you are and start to live for the things that make you feel free.