The First Time I Held You

Having a baby for the first time is such an amazing experience. Nervous, anxious, feeling unprepared no matter how many times I’d checked my hospital bag over and knowing that I’d ironed everything in the home while nesting, including every single sock and pair of underwear. There was nothing left to do, but nothing could prepare me for what was to come.

Latent Labour

An incredibly long labour that was officially in “latent” form for the first four days, but you were stuck and something was very wrong and I just wasn’t aware because you were my first baby. Going through a traumatic birthing process and then between my son being unwell and my being suspected of being unwell, we were kept apart for over 2 days.

Nervously and excitedly pumping milk for this little man that I was yet to meet was all that was keeping me going, knowing that they would check me over and allow me up to see him after 48 hours. I had a terrible blurry picture on Daddy’s old mobile phone that I would stare at while expressing milk for you and dreaming of the first time we could have the skin to skin that I so desperately craved.

Combination Feeding

That second evening it became too difficult, sitting expressing in a babyless room and they came to tell me I had a hungry, growing boy who had some healthy lungs on him, screaming for more milk and I wasn’t pumping it quick enough. I burst into tears and agreed that they should top him up with Aptamil.

That night was the hardest. The next morning they let me know that I could finally go and see you up on the neonatal ward. I was so nervous and excited. This little bundle that was missing from my tummy where I had grown you for nine months was waiting and ready to meet me.

Reunited

You were getting better quickly and had less wires than the picture that I had. I had to wait while they did the ward round and the doctors determined that it was ok for me to get you out of your little incubator. Still a tube in your nose and a canula in your hand, I was able to at last hold my baby boy.

I can honestly say it was the most precious moment. I was completely in shock still from the traumatic birth but, in that moment, I felt like I was walking on air. You were the most perfect thing I had ever seen and I never wanted to let you go.

We had to get help from the breastfeeding specialist once you had got to a place where you could feed from me, so that we could establish a good latch as you had been having drip feeds and then lapping from a cup. It wasn’t easy but I never wanted to be apart from you ever again.

To hear the details of my birth story see my YouTube video here that I filmed a few months back.

long latent labour, difficult birth, traumatic labour, the first time I held my baby, water wipes, tots100

*This post is an entry into the Tots100/WaterWipes Baby Milestones challange.

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