Trying to find a picture of my baby bump for this post made me sad. I forgot how low I was feeling. There is literally not one photo of me anywhere in existence showing off my baby bump. There is only one photo of me from the entire time I was pregnant with Eden in existence and it was from the day I passed my driving test at 30 weeks pregnant.
The pregnancy with Eden was awful, I had severe hyperemesis gravidarum from the beginning until the end. As it hadn’t been long since I’d had Judah SPD decided to rear it’s ugly head from 9 weeks pregnant. I have hypermobility and am super flexible, was always great as I was a dancer growing up but a nightmare whilst pregnant. My hips would click in and out of joint (not good when you’re trying to walk around with a pregnant belly and you could collapse in pain at any time). For some reason my hormones were off the wall with Eden. We had an awful time as a family and I was on antidepressants the week I found out I was pregnant (had literally just started them as I didn’t know what was going on, and then found out I was pregnant, *aha* light bulb moment.
The combination of all of the above had me severely depressed for all of my pregnancy. It got worse as I was bed bound and gaining weight even though I couldn’t keep food down. What is all that about? (Actually there are scientific reasons but it still seems very unfair *groan*). I am setting the scene so you can understand why, at the end, I practically begged for an induction. I had heard all sorts of horror stories about inductions, and kept thinking I had come this far surely I should wait. The idea of going overdue and resulting in an induction anyway was just torturing me as I was torn between my emotional chaotic state and trying to do what was best for me and baby. When my hormones were so off the wall I was having thoughts like ‘if I throw myself down the stairs they’ll have to get baby out’ (I know, horrendous, I feel awful putting it in writing but this is where being pregnant took me this time) I decided having an induction was the safest thing to do for my sanity and for baby.
It was totally hormones, the moment she was out I was like a different person, from the moment I became pregnant till the moment she was born I suffered horrendous anxiety and depression. I managed to go all of my pregnancy without medication (aside from the first week when I didn’t know) but this was a fine line, I constantly kept in touch with the GP to weigh up what was best and had amazing support from my husband and some people in my church.
I hated being pregnant the whole time, I felt so guilty that I wasn’t able to be there for Judah properly. There were times I could barely hold him. I had to stop breastfeeding him at 10 months as he could take both (my husband had been supplementing some of his feeds with the bottle on days that I could barely keep down water) and decided the bottle was quicker, or that my breast was just a chew toy, as he stopped really drinking from me and was just biting. I had wanted to feed him until he was one and just felt like a failure. I believed he had rejected me because he hardly saw me, and all the other thoughts that go through hormonal mum’s minds. I couldn’t get down to his level to play with him, I was just always sat down on the couch, led in bed, too unwell to take him to the park.
I always tried my hardest with the girls. Isis was just doing better at school and I didn’t want to mess around contact, or throw any inconsistencies into the mix because I was so ill. This is a difficult part of having a blended family, as the fact is, if we had the girls full-time on the hard days they would’ve gone to stay with Nana or friends, but they needed their contact with Dad for stability and indeed with Judah and I too. We are a family unit and I was determined for them to feel we were all one and not two separate units, or to feel pushed out by new babies.
Anyway, that’s enough of my depressing pregnancy. There is a reason I ended up stopping blogging whilst I was pregnant with Eden, my mind was in far too negative a place.
I do want to encourage anyone who reads this though, if you are feeling low, depressed, or irrationally hormonal, make sure you speak to someone. You are not on your own although you will definitely feel like it at the time. Get some help and educate yourself with the local services that can serve you as they are set up to.
Thankfully with Eden, as soon as she was out my hormones settled and I was rewarded with the best baby ever. She is so easy, and so beautiful. I guess I had super strong hormones, because I was making such an amazing baby *gush*