The Baby Diaries – Judah – week five to twenty (am I really pregnant?)
After you’ve had a miscarriage it’s really difficult to accept that you are pregnant. They call a pregnancy after a miscarriage a ‘rainbow baby.’
The urban dictionary defines this as :
A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.
In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.
The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.
“We lost our last pregnancy, but now we have a rainbow baby.”
Even though we had a successful 1st scan which showed that I had conceived only 10 days after I had miscarried I couldn’t accept that I was pregnant with Judah until we got to 20 weeks. This was so bizarre as I had horrendous hyperemis gravidarum all throughout this stage. I would say that baby was reminding me by my extreme morning sickness that they were in there, but a part of me still couldn’t believe they would make it to the outside world. I didn’t buy him anything, I stopped writing in the pregnancy journal. I was so fearful of losing him. My husband (then fiancé) and I attended a church in London (Hillsong) whilst we were down visiting family (we’d been to see ‘Les Miserables’ the night before). As we were singing along with one of the songs in the worship time the lyrics were ‘death has been defeated by love, You overcome’ I felt God speak to my heart. This baby would stick, this baby was not going to be allowed to die. This baby’s life was mapped out before them ready for them to step into. I began to have hope again for this child.
We got engaged in this season, this was pre-planned as we were waiting for James’ divorce papers (read my post on Our Complicated History to better understand), James was designing and having my engagement ring made. We were planning our wedding even though we weren’t engaged officially, as we had set the date, and wanted to go full steam ahead with plans as soon as we got engaged. I was still teaching at a Performing Arts Academy (that the girls go to now), basically, I had a lot to distract my mind in this season.
Only at the 20 week scan (which was on my 29th birthday) did I fully accept this pregnancy and begin to plan accordingly. I had scheduled our apartment with the registry office to apply for our marriage license for later in the day just incase of any problems, and we had a holiday booked for the next day. We had a week in Paphos, Greece which we then treated as our babymoon as we knew all was ok.