The Ordinary Moments #9 – Growing Up
My husband got a job this week, they interviewed him Friday and he starts tomorrow Monday. We have been building to this for the last 3 years whilst he’s been at University studying Social Work, but all of a sudden, I feel as though he’s been ripped from me. It’s not as though I wasn’t aware he was applying for jobs, he even wrote a guest post for me here, it’s just I didn’t expect it to be so soon. He was waiting for his DBS to come back from another job that he had been given, when he spotted this one that would work much better hour wise for our family (or so we thought) and was better for him long term in his career progression. Again, though I thought there would be a transition time between us finding out he had a job and him starting. There was not.
We went for lunch to celebrate James getting the job, then the weekend happened. We visited the illuminations in Blackpool with James’ Auntie & Uncle who were staying in the Lakes, from the South Coast. I’ve been horribly unwell most of the week and would not have done this had it not been so rare for them to be able to be with us. It was a lovely time, I was glad that we did it, even if I was dosed up on painkillers. It also enabled us to make plans of how we’d like to do them next year, they had these illuminated ‘Cinderella’ carriages, we are all going to dress up like princesses and ride the lights that way.
Then it was Saturday, I was so unwell, I couldn’t take the girls to dance but we decided to let them practice Isis’ exam routines together, she has Grade One Modern, and Primary Tap coming up. Shayla and Judah ran around the room joining in, it was quite cute. My brother came in the afternoon with his girlfriend and their new puppy ‘Sulley’ a gorgeous black labrador. He is so adorable, hard to capture on film though as he is so dark.
Anyway, I guess my point is, the weekend just flew past and then most of today I spent what felt like grieving the loss of my husband Monday to Friday. Not just as my helper with the babies, although, wow, that is a very, very, very important role and I will miss him tremendously being there with me, as now they will outnumber me… but, my friend. We have spent so long fighting through the hard financial times of University living whilst getting married, having 2 babies (and 2 miscarriages), moving twice, grieving family members. It has just been insane, and we felt like it was all leading up to this better life we were building of ‘financial security’ but now and only now, late on a Sunday afternoon before he starts work tomorrow morning have I realised what a blessing it has been to have my best friend with me most of the last 3 years.
James has been there for me through all the craziness, he’s been up for every late night feed, even though I was breastfeeding, I had bad back troubles and he would lift the babies out of their cribs and bring them to me. He has cleaned out my ‘sick bowls’ when I’ve woken in the night with horrendous hyperemesis, he has cooked for me at stupid o’clock in the morning when I was having cravings. He has changed the majority of nappies when he was around, he has done the bedtime routines. We’ve been able to hang out together and just potter around our little lives for the last 3 years mostly without interruption (aside from his work placements). I have let him carry a lot of the responsibilities for the babies when he was home, not just because I had postnatal depression and anxiety but because deep down I knew, I knew this day was coming.
I wanted to be able to tell the children when they’re older and Daddy has to work a lot to keep them all in ballet shoes and whatever else hobbies take over our lives that Daddy was there. Daddy did everything, there wasn’t anything that Daddy wasn’t willing to do for them. These precious bonding years as Judah and Eden have been establishing their little characters (which I know still have some years to form), Daddy gave them everything that he could for as long as he could and now his love takes a different form in being away most of the week to provide for them.
Of course I will see him every evening, but they will usually be asleep when he leaves in the morning and asleep when he arrives home at night. I know that this is normal for most families, but this hasn’t been for us. I have resented this awareness that at 31 I still have some growing up to do, and that Monday to Friday I am in this parenting malarkey alone. I find it daunting and scary, but I thank God that I have my faith and trust that Jesus will equip me with all that I need just to get through each and every day. I used to think being a Stay at Home Mum was easy, I now know very different, and with four of them for most of the week, wow, I don’t know how others do it, and I am praying I don’t crumble now that it’s my turn.
James has said that I can get a cleaner, I may have to take him up on that one, but we’ll get some quotes because I don’t want to have one if it’s going to be a strain. I know that it will ease the pressure though as I am still in counselling for my anxiety issues and when I start to feel overwhelmed by things I tend to crumble. I am hoping that blogging will help me too though, I know reading a lot of other mums blogs out there, helps me to realise that I am not alone in feeling overwhelmed, and ill-equipped, but saying that, somehow we all get on and do it.
So, for now, I guess it is goodbye to a wonderful season that I fear I took for granted whilst I had it, and onto a new exciting (but scary) season of having to step up and grow up. To be the Mum (mostly in character, it isn’t about how clean the house is to the children, it’s about ‘who’ I am) that I was created to be and that I can be if I take one step at a time and trust that somewhere inside me is all the equipment that I need to do this.
When I was at one of my lowest points my Mum bought me a little card that carries this quote…