The Baby Diaries – Judah – Week Thirty (finding a home)

the baby diaries, mummy blog, pregnancy blogger, blended family, dontcallmestepmummy, hypermobility, moving house and pregnant

The Baby Diaries – Judah – Week Thirty (finding a home)

This week has been so much better because we found a home.  Somewhere we can live as a family.  The girls will have a gorgeous HUGE room and we will have a room for baby boy once he’s old enough to go into his own room.  There is so much packing to do, and moving is so stressful but I’m so glad that we at least know where we are going at the end of next week.

It’s been interesting because James’ parents have come up North (they live on the South Coast) so that they can help us pack.  James is unwell, so I went with my new in-laws to the old house to start packing up.  Also, Alan (James’ Dad) ran me to the hospital for my physio appointment.  Little did I know I would be coming out on crutches.  Not a happy bunny.

I’m not as sick this week, it’s calming down.  Only a handful of times a days instead of constant.  I really hoped it would have passed by now.

My sister is due back from Mallorca at the weekend so I’m looking forward to seeing her, but it’s good timing that we’ll have a home to move into next week as it would be very crowded at my Mum’s.  We’re able to move into the church refuge for our last week next week.  I lived there after my ex left me, will be strange in my old room with a whole family, and pregnant instead of on my own.  I was always so sad there.

In my journal this week –

‘By this stage you probably have the impression you’ve been pregnant forever and may be feeling a bit fed up.  Make sure you talk to your partner about how you’re feeling so you don’t end up arguing over petty things.

THINGS TO DO Start thinking about what you want to include in your birth plan.  Discuss your options with your friends from birthing classes and people you know who have already had children.  Fill in your preferences on page….

How am I feeling this week? 

Energy : great, been packing up our home.  Comes in bursts though and then I’m wiped.

Mood : good, stressed about house and things.  Down about being put on crutches.

Appetite : want food little and often or I’m famished

Cravings : KFC lol, really wanted one for weeks, finally got one this week.

Sickness : Not too bad, occasional

Notes : staying at the ‘rents and Lydia House is stressful.  Not having a home ready for baby.  Put on crutches as my hips keep dislocating and stomach muscles are tearing.

I’m so pleased we’ve found somewhere to live, as exciting and eventful as it has been feeling like refugees at this time.  It really isn’t the best season for it.  I’m just longing to nest but unable to do so… yet.  Very excited for our new home.
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Baby Diaries

The Baby Diaries – Judah – Week Twenty-Nine (have you started maternity yet?)

The Baby Diaries – Judah – Week Twenty-Nine (have you started maternity yet?)

the baby diaries, mummy blog, pregnancy blogger, blended family, dontcallmestepmummy, hypermobility, homeless and pregnant

My journal this week stated :

‘As you start winding down at work, make sure you have your maternity benefits sorted out.  Even if you are working until close to your due date, it’s important to have it all in place as early as possible as it’s the last thing you need to worry about once you go on maternity leave.’

Ha, this is so funny.  At this point we don’t even know where we are going to be living.  My hypermobility is presenting a real problem and everyone keeps joking that I’ll need a zimmer frame.  It was Easter this weekend so we had the girls with us at my parents still.  Shayla was hilarious Easter morning, the preacher told us to talk to God in our own words at one point in the service, at this time 2 year old Shayla chirps up and started repeating ‘the end is coming, the end is coming.’  Very Grandpa Simpson esque.  James and I were in stitches laughing, but it was also quite eery.  Haha, funny toddlers.

Had an absolute melt down at my poor new husband, as we have no security and a baby coming really soon.  We’re going to have to start looking for a new home, and it’s just all a bit overwhelming at this time.  Panic and hormones are certainly playing a part.

My journal asked me :

‘How am I feeling this week?

Energy : pretty useless but got to stay with my Mum, so that was helpful

Mood : really down, about not having a home.  I upset my lovely huband as I was stressed.

Appetite : average, eating toast in the middle of the night as I can’t go long without

Cravings : chinese, but eating what we’ve bought in

Sickness : quite bad but mainly due to stress’

I was sad when the girls had to go home but it was also nice to have a bit of peace, I am preparing myself for the fact that once little man comes, there will always be a child with us.  They won’t have another home they need to go to.  I will be a parent full-time, no days off.

I have a physio appointment finally coming up next week and I cannot wait.  Tried the support bands and aquanatal etc. just not working for me.  Hopefully they can shed some light on this hypermobility and how I can get through the rest of my pregnancy without being completely useless.

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Baby Diaries

Hyperemesis Gravidarum – the Royal Baby

Hyperemesis Gravidarum – the Royal Baby

dontcallmestepmummy

Amazing the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are going to grace us with another beautiful baby.  No doubt Kate will look amazing and have us all dazzling at her maternity style, but it isn’t all blooming and glowing.  This second early announcement leans towards the Duchess having hyperemesis gravidarum again.  I suffered with this throughout both my pregnancies and with the second it was so bad I couldn’t even keep water down at one point.  Also, with the second it continued up until I gave birth.

Poor Kate will have the best doctors around her and hopefully they will deal with the medical side earlier for her this time as they know what the condition is sooner.

So what is Hyperemesis Gravidarum?  It is a horrendous pregnant condition that affects about 3% of pregnant women.  Best described as severe morning sickness.  When I had it I panicked thinking it meant that something would be up with my babies, but it usually just means that the hormones are nice and strong.  The mum-to-be might not be feeling so great, but the baby inside is growing well upsetting the hormonal balance that causes this extreme sickness.

There are treatments out there, none of them worked for myself, but it did ease it I guess.  Please if you are suffering, don’t go through it alone, only now am I aware of support groups on various websites (cafemom, babycentre) that exist out there.  I couldn’t get out of bed as it was so debilitating, no energy to hold my 7 month old baby boy.  Infact, Judah barely knew I existed the first 3 months I was pregnant with Eden.  It tends to get worse with subsequent pregnancies, to the point that we decided that although we’d originally wanted 3 children together (giving us 5 overall), it would be extremely selfish on the children and soul crushing for my body to go through another pregnancy.  Also, now that we have four children, I am happy that we decided not to have anymore.  They are a massive joy, but hard work, and very expensive *winks.*

It can make you extremely depressed so make sure to keep your midwife informed with how you are feeling and gather a great support network around yourself if you are suffering, especially if you have other children.  I was fortunate that my second pregnancy mainly fell in my husband’s long summer break between his 2nd and 3rd year at University.  I don’t think I would’ve been able to cope without a carer had he not been around.  God’s perfect timing maybe?

Here’s praying that the Duchess doesn’t suffer as badly this time around or that they catch it quickly and can minimise the symptoms for her.

Congratulation Kate and Wills

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The Baby Diaries – Judah – week twenty-one (our holiday in Paphos)

Baby Diaries

The Baby Diaries – Judah – week twenty-one (our holiday in Paphos)

week 21

Most people like to use the excuse of ‘eating for two’ when they’re pregnant, although scientifically this is inaccurate.  Your body is actually more efficient when you’re pregnant, your metabolism increases causing you to need about an extra 500 calories a day.  Sorry.

My pregnancy journal as seen notes that your appetite will increase at around this stage.  For me this wan’t the case, Due to my hypermesis gravidarum I could barely keep anything down and as a result had become very fussy, just wanting bland stodgy food like toast, potatoes etc.  I pretty much took my only bump photo on this holiday, I stuck my tummy out as I liked looking pregnant (especially as I’m overweight to begin with, it was nice for a season to look like I had a genuine reason to be fat haha).

Bump_1.JPG

How beautiful is Paphos? and to think this was early February, being in the warm was definitely a welcome break.  I enjoyed being on holiday a lot, we seemed to go at a season and to a resort were most of the people were aged 50+.  Obviously we weren’t going to be out drinking and partying, we had gone all inclusive so that we didn’t need to worry about cost, so I had a lot of virgin cocktails whilst James enjoyed the watered down limitless spirits and cocktails.  James and I decided to embrace the fun and join in most of the activities, I won the darts championship one day, shuffleboard (haha, now I sound old), sucked at the archery and rifle shooting, but obviously as an ex entertainer won their version of X factor singing Leona Lewis’ version of ‘Run’ in the talent show.  We thought it was funny collecting the certificates and there wasn’t much else I could do as on the odd days we did do trips round the ‘Tombs of the Kings’ and to some beaches, and shopping, I was just too exhausted as it was hot and I hadn’t been able to keep down much food.

I have to say the only thing that upset me on this holiday was not having the girls with us.  We kept seeing things that they would enjoy, activities they would be good at, sights we wished we could share.  We vowed not to go away without children again apart from overnight or long weekends at a push.  It was important for us to have that couple time before the babies came along and it continues to be important for us to have dates.  Something we struggle to schedule in but are trying to get better at.

holiday selfie
holiday selfie

We would go swimming every day in the afternoon, so my hair spent most of it’s time plaited to not become a hassle.  I hated dealing with my hair when I was pregnant.  It just irritated me, funny what hormones do to you, I think if I could carry it off a pixie cut would have been adopted quick smart.

Here are the notes I made in my pregnancy journal this week :

How am I feeling this week?

Energy : Good, joined in most of the games, went swimming every day, early nights were still needed though.

Mood : great, had a fantastic holiday in the sun with my hubby to be.  Took lots of photos in and around cyprus with bump.

tomb of the kings
a much needed sit down in one of the tombs

Appetite : very little I can eat on this all inclusive, and I have a very little appetite.

Cravings : mainly salted potatoes ie. chips, hash browns etc. and ice-cream as it’s been hot but my body doesn’t want dairy.

Sickness : not really subsided but travel and heat won’t have helped.

The best thing was I got to spend Valentines Day with my amazing fiance, who was crazy enough to go into the freezing swimming pool, that NO other guests were using.  Daniel Craig eat your heart out lol.
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Daniel Craig eat your heart out
Daniel Craig eat your heart out

The Baby Diaries – Judah – week five to twenty (am I really pregnant?)

Baby Diaries

The Baby Diaries – Judah – week five to twenty (am I really pregnant?)

After you’ve had a miscarriage it’s really difficult to accept that you are pregnant. They call a pregnancy after a miscarriage a ‘rainbow baby.’

The urban dictionary defines this as :

A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.

In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.

“We lost our last pregnancy, but now we have a rainbow baby.”

Judah's 1st scan
Judah’s 1st scan

Even though we had a successful 1st scan which showed that I had conceived only 10 days after I had miscarried I couldn’t accept that I was pregnant with Judah until we got to 20 weeks.  This was so bizarre as I had horrendous hyperemis  gravidarum all throughout this stage.  I would say that baby was reminding me by my extreme morning sickness that they were in there, but a part of me still couldn’t believe they would make it to the outside world.  I didn’t buy him anything, I stopped writing in the pregnancy journal. I was so fearful of losing him. My husband (then fiancé) and I attended a church in London (Hillsong) whilst we were down visiting family (we’d been to see ‘Les Miserables’ the night before). As we were singing along with one of the songs in the worship time the lyrics were ‘death has been defeated by love, You overcome’ I felt God speak to my heart. This baby would stick, this baby was not going to be allowed to die. This baby’s life was mapped out before them ready for them to step into. I began to have hope again for this child.

We got engaged in this season, this was pre-planned as we were waiting for James’ divorce papers (read my post on Our Complicated History to better understand), James was designing and having my engagement ring made. We were planning our wedding even though we weren’t engaged officially, as we had set the date, and wanted to go full steam ahead with plans as soon as we got engaged. I was still teaching at a Performing Arts Academy (that the girls go to now), basically, I had a lot to distract my mind in this season.

Only at the 20 week scan (which was on my 29th birthday) did I fully accept this pregnancy and begin to plan accordingly. I had scheduled our apartment with the registry office to apply for our marriage license for later in the day just incase of any problems, and we had a holiday booked for the next day. We had a week in Paphos, Greece which we then treated as our babymoon as we knew all was ok.

20 week scan
20 week scan

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Eden’s pregnancy

Eden’s pregnancy

Trying to find a picture of my baby bump for this post made me sad.  I forgot how low I was feeling.  There is literally not one photo of me anywhere in existence showing off my baby bump.  There is only one photo of me from the entire time I was pregnant with Eden in existence and it was from the day I passed my driving test at 30 weeks pregnant.

Bump_2.JPG

The pregnancy with Eden was awful, I had severe hyperemesis gravidarum from the beginning until the end. As it hadn’t been long since I’d had Judah SPD decided to rear it’s ugly head from 9 weeks pregnant. I have hypermobility and am super flexible, was always great as I was a dancer growing up but a nightmare whilst pregnant. My hips would click in and out of joint (not good when you’re trying to walk around with a pregnant belly and you could collapse in pain at any time). For some reason my hormones were off the wall with Eden. We had an awful time as a family and I was on antidepressants the week I found out I was pregnant (had literally just started them as I didn’t know what was going on, and then found out I was pregnant, *aha* light bulb moment.

The combination of all of the above had me severely depressed for all of my pregnancy. It got worse as I was bed bound and gaining weight even though I couldn’t keep food down. What is all that about? (Actually there are scientific reasons but it still seems very unfair *groan*). I am setting the scene so you can understand why, at the end, I practically begged for an induction. I had heard all sorts of horror stories about inductions, and kept thinking I had come this far surely I should wait. The idea of going overdue and resulting in an induction anyway was just torturing me as I was torn between my emotional chaotic state and trying to do what was best for me and baby. When my hormones were so off the wall I was having thoughts like ‘if I throw myself down the stairs they’ll have to get baby out’ (I know, horrendous, I feel awful putting it in writing but this is where being pregnant took me this time) I decided having an induction was the safest thing to do for my sanity and for baby.

It was totally hormones, the moment she was out I was like a different person, from the moment I became pregnant till the moment she was born I suffered horrendous anxiety and depression. I managed to go all of my pregnancy without medication (aside from the first week when I didn’t know) but this was a fine line, I constantly kept in touch with the GP to weigh up what was best and had amazing support from my husband and some people in my church.

I hated being pregnant the whole time, I felt so guilty that I wasn’t able to be there for Judah properly.  There were times I could barely hold him.  I had to stop breastfeeding him at 10 months as he could take both (my husband had been supplementing some of his feeds with the bottle on days that I could barely keep down water) and decided the bottle was quicker, or that my breast was just a chew toy, as he stopped really drinking from me and was just biting.  I had wanted to feed him until he was one and just felt like a failure.  I believed he had rejected me because he hardly saw me, and all the other thoughts that go through hormonal mum’s minds.  I couldn’t get down to his level to play with him, I was just always sat down on the couch, led in bed, too unwell to take him to the park.

I always tried my hardest with the girls.  Isis was just doing better at school and I didn’t want to mess around contact, or throw any inconsistencies into the mix because I was so ill.  This is a difficult part of having a blended family, as the fact is, if we had the girls full-time on the hard days they would’ve gone to stay with Nana or friends, but they needed their contact with Dad for stability and indeed with Judah and I too.  We are a family unit and I was determined for them to feel we were all one and not two separate units, or to feel pushed out by new babies.

Anyway, that’s enough of my depressing pregnancy.  There is a reason I ended up stopping blogging whilst I was pregnant with Eden, my mind was in far too negative a place.

I do want to encourage anyone who reads this though, if you are feeling low, depressed, or irrationally hormonal, make sure you speak to someone.  You are not on your own although you will definitely feel like it at the time.  Get some help and educate yourself with the local services that can serve you as they are set up to.

Thankfully with Eden, as soon as she was out my hormones settled and I was rewarded with the best baby ever.  She is so easy, and so beautiful.  I guess I had super strong hormones, because I was making such an amazing baby *gush*
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